Part 1: From Beginning To End

So here I am in Cincinnati Ohio, and have just recently celebrated my 22nd birthday in the company of my best friend, Yoshihiro Shimazu.

How did I get here, and why?

To tell you the truth, I left Mississippi because I was in a state of rebellion.

There is no sugar-coated way I could go around such a topic, but there it is. When I moved away from my family and friends back in California, I left all that I was behind as well. So of course when I got a computer from my Great-great grandpa Steve, I was going to use it to the fullest extent to compensate the depression that soon followed the move.

Some things I'm not proud of, but I do know that I knew what I was doing despite my grandma's concerns. My grandparents felt it was unhealthy and unethical to spend hours on a computer socializing with people on chats. My grandma would say they aren't real, but that didn't make sense because they were real and they were the only people I could talk to who could relate to me. That is why I was on for so long. Yes, I'd go outside and do other things, but they wanted me to focus on three things in particular:

Church, School, and a Job.

I had no problems with school, because I'm a pretty smart girl, and a job was something I eventually achieved; however, I grew more and more uninterested in Church because I saw the ugly sides that everyone wanted to pretend wasn't there.

The only reason I was going to church was because everyone in my family went to church. I was raised without "Freedom of Religion", because they believed that as long as you lived in their house you could go to church. So when mommy goes to church, she drags her kids along. If grandparents go to church, you are expected to go, not because they want you to, but because in their eyes its the right thing to do. Very biased isn't it?

Basically they wished to influence you by forcing you into a state where they indirectly violate your rights as a human being.

So I had religion forced down my throat all my life, but don't get me wrong, the activities that involved interaction with children and listen to wisdom imparted by a well-written book was very appealing to me. There was just ALOT of hypocracy that no amount of excuses could change the impact it had on me.

For example:

I do not like living with the feeling that I don't have a right to speak out my thoughts without someone having a problem with it.

I use to work in daycare at Colonial Heights Baptist Church, and use to work with kids in their summer reading programs. Key hint use to. That's because whenever a kid asked me about God, I told them the truth: I don't believe in God. They would ask my why, and I'd state my reasons. If I'm asked a question, I'm obligated to give them an honest answer, but apparantly parents had a problem with their kids being around my influence. An influence that is open minded to the fact that we need to use our brains to think for ourselves and make choices based off of doing our own research rather then become zombies eating Jesus Cereal and agreeing with the Pastor because he says he's already got the facts written down.

So I had a lady come up to me one day and say in a 'nice way', "I think you would be better off working someplace else, we have all the help we need."

Another example was how my grandma couldn't understand why I hated the college group so much.

I was completely shunned by the College Youth Group Ministries for 3 reasons: Number one, because I was fat and fat is unappealing in southern bell society. You might get ugly disease and strike dead....hahaha. Number two, I talked to the "outcasts", because I sympathized with them more so then any of the college leaders could ever hope to achieve, which in turn made me look like a viper queen trying to pollute their community with bad grapes. Finally, the third reason was because I would go up to a parent for not controlling their child.

And BOY! do they hate me for that! No parent in a proper Southern Baptist Church wants to hear some "out-of-state punk" come up to them and say "Hey I just wanted to let you know you're daughter was texting and talking on her phone for the entire church service, which is rude to the pastor because he spent the whole night preparing that message and the least she can do is respect that, and also her outfit makes her look like a slut". I'm a bold and blunt person, and if I see something, wether I like the religion or not, I will respect it at least.

And of course she's going to tell all of her friends about what a stupid bitch I am, who in turn go and spread gossip (they must of forgot how to behave like good little Christians during this time of course *pat on the hand*) in the Youth Group, who then finally shun me. Hey look! A beautiful cycle has been born! Not to meantion it got worst, because some of the people in the Youth Group went to the same school I did....boy oh boy.

That is also why school was merely tolerable. Everyone was caught up in appearances and where you stood politically. If you weren't in either of those catergories, something was wrong with you, and you were considered "unworthy" for their social skills. I didn't let that bother me though, because I didn't care for their socially corrupt standards on living. My problem was, if there was an assignment that came up where you HAVE to have partners and you literally watch all your classmates avoid you because of gossip, then you have to be the one to explain to the teacher why you can't seem to find a partner. Its embarrassing and completely unnecessary, because I was only there to focus on my education, but these "prestigeous" students couldn't be mature enough to put differences aside for a simple project.

The only person who was beautiful in the heart, face, and mind in Church was a young woman named Bethany Cranford. I will never forget this girl, because she talked to me dispite our differences. I think she knew deep down I wasn't in love with the church, but she liked me. That was the only good thing in church and school, was being around that girl. She made me laugh and smile all the time.

She was passionate about her belief, and I respected her for it. We may have not agreed, but when I explained how she felt, she didn't try to justify it, instead she offered quotes of comfort from the Bible. She couldn't explain why those horrible things happened to me, but she wanted me to know that she cared and believed God cared too. She showed me the good side of religion, and I was thankful to have her as a friend.

I'd often like to invite her to events with me. I wanted her in my company. When I knew she was trying to go on a mission trip, I'd beg my family if I could go, because I wanted to chat with her. When my birthday came, she got front row seats, and if I needed help with ideas on a project, I came to her. Bethany Cranford was my little angel, and the best friend in a long time.

Well as you can all guess, I'm not tied down to "politically correct" or religious views, but that doesn't mean I don't find either topics uninteresting or non-debateable. In fact, one of my favorite past times is to go around asking friends what their views are on religion and the government, and what are their reasons for the way they think on each subject. Sometimes my friends are less then enthusiastic, but then others relish the opportunity of pouring out a long bottled-in stream of emotions that knock the wind out of me.

Yoshihiro Shimazu, my friend who is better known as "Envy", makes a very good intellectual when it comes to topics such as these. I asked him once how he viewed the American government, and I must applaud him for being much more blunt and bold then I. He simply stated that the American government was corrupt and he was waiting for another country, like his very own Japan, to come in and annihilate them all. I of course was grinning ear to ear with amusement, as I had views pretty close to his, for we both felt that the current government was a obese factory that concentrated on becoming more fat by being a bloodsucking leech on its people. A good example was the educational, yet horrorfying, video produced by Michael Moore called Fahrenheit 9/11. If people actually took the time to think for themselves, gather all evidence from both sides of the story, then maybe some of our troops wouldn't be playing "Bloodhound Gang- Fire Water Burn" while shooting down innocent victims such as women and children. Just watch the movie, and you'll learn alot.

I live with the one friend who has stuck by my side through sickness, health, homelessness and in shelter; I share my clothes, hygene products, and food, to never be asked for anything in return. Yes, my friend Envy is that amazing. But we're still trying to figure out why my family is unwilling to get to know him. I've tried to take him and I down for a Christmas visit, and my grandfather told me straight up that he didn't want me to bring Envy along. It makes me sad and confused because Envy has risked his own health at times to make sure that I'm well protected, and he has never violated me in any shape or form. No, we've never had sex or kissed. Hell the most we do is poke each other till our arms hurt lol. Envy settled with the opinion that my family has to be racist, because there was no reason inside their religion, that should prevent them from embracing open arms to a guest. I honestly don't know what to make of the situation, so I stay out of it.
Racism is wrong, no matter what someone's reasons are for being a racist.  
"Wetback"
"Chink"
"Jap"
"Niger"
"Cracker"
"towel head"

Let me ask you a question, as a racist, suppose one of your daughters has a child with one of these ethnicities, will you outcast your own flesh and blood because of that child being born outside of  "politically correct breeding grounds"? There is no reason to be so ignorantly hateful, that we have to create words such as these to degrade not just the people we're targeting, but ourselves as well. "I hate white people because they enslaved blacks at one point". How is that relevant to you when you weren't even born in that era? There is racism still in America, that is true, but what happened during the days of Karl Marx and Martin Luther King stays in that era. I seriously believe people make up excuses to hate on people because they have nothing else better to do with their lives.

I know people do not like this sort of "bashing" in a blog, but I promised I'd leave my little siblings Lindsey and David Metcalf a diary for them to use as they grow up. I want to be an example for them even when I am not around. Therefore, I can't afford to sugar-coat or water my topics down, because they need to know the truth. They have to mature quickly in a cruel world that is sudden and unpredictable.

My little siblings mean everything to me, and I've already failed in missing out on their childhood, which means this is my last chance as an older sister to do something right.
Even to this day I'm plagued by nightmares of things that I've done in the past that has negatively affected them, and it kills me inside everytime I think about it.
I want Lindsey and David to read this one day and find comfort and understanding. That they are not alone with their feelings, because I know one day they'll have questions too. Questions that will need to be answered, and not pushed around because it unacceptable in "proper conversations" of society.

I said I left Mississippi out of rebellion, but that doesn't mean it was wrong of me to make that choice. There is though, a way of handling our situations properly. It was not wrong for me to leave, but it was wrong how I left. I left for a boy I had never met, leaving my grandparents in a state of worry and grief. That was wrong.
It was not wrong of me to leave, because at that time my depression was worsening, and I had already attempted to commit suicide four times.
The only solutions my family could come up with was to go to a mental hospital, be put on drugs, and to see councilors.
But the problem was that wasn't the problem with me. The doctor at the mental hospital said himself that there was nothing wrong with me as a whole, and this astounded my grandmother to where she protested that he was wrong.
She didn't see that I was depressed because no one could hear me. I wasn't being heard.
Her and my relationship was falling apart at the time because we'd argue daily on the principle of communication, because many times she was unwilling to sway if it was outside her "church" principles. Thus forcing me into a surpressed religious chokehold.

I can honestly say that if I had continued to live there at 326 Crest View Drive Madison Mississippi, then I would have eventually succeeded in ending myself.